I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.