...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I love having hate sex.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
