It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
