I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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