Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
