i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
