Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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