my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
