he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
