Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
