I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
