There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
