I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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