i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
