Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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