I'm jealous of your bromance
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
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I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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