Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
