Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
