and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
