I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Randomize
