My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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