don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
A bitchslap is in order.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
