Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
