its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Randomize
