I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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