quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
