You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize