he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
