just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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