This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
