You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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