I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
there is glitter all over my balls
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
