is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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