I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
