Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
