Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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