Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
