dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
