my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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