My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
