Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
