Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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