census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
