i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
