the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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