I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
