im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the condom got lost in my hair
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
