the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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