Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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