The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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