I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
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and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
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There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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