My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Someone signed my nipple.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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