they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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